Among my friends, I'm known as the smiley girl or someone who always seems to be in a good mood. Bitchy, but still being able to make others smile and feel some sort of hope in and for their life. So what does this have to do with being fake? I'll tell you. I think I was around 11 or 12 when I first began to smile when I didn't want to, and eventually, that led into an unhealthy habit. I hid my feelings and bottled up emotions for years until they spilled over and I ended up crashing and burning. So much so, I almost died.
Slowly, I began to gain back what I had lost. Confidence, happiness; hope. Everything felt okay in my world, but my friends were different stories. I tried to be there for them the best I could, even if it meant my happiness was at stake. Unhealthy, I know, but I couldn't stop. I felt like if I did, it would be my fault that they were feeling shitty because I could've at least tried or made an effort to stop them from feeling that way. Of course, now I know that's not the case and I help in moderation, but then it was out of control.
The thing that finally taught me that I couldn't help everyone and solve their problems, was when a boy I tried to help use healthy coping methods blamed me for the cuts he had made on his arms that night. At that point, I knew it was too much and that I had to take self-inventory to make sure I was helping myself just as much, if not a little more than the people I cared for. Not to be selfish, but to make sure that I would never be so devastated or stressed over other people's problems again.
Lately, however, taking self-inventory has been difficult. I have been neglecting myself and ignoring my own feelings to make sure others are okay first. Here's where being fake comes in. As much as I'd like to believe that things will be in the future, I honestly have no clue. Whenever I help someone face their problems, or I have to give them some advice, half the time I don't even do the same shit myself. Quite frankly, I'm a hypocrite, and I need to change.
I tell people I think that they should look up because things will get better, or to not be so negative. I'll smile and laugh with them and give them hugs and cheer them on through their toughest battles without acknowledging anything going on with me. And when it does come down to me, I'm a mess. Doing the opposite as I tell my friends to do, by not opening up, or trying something because 'it just might work out'. To me, it's all bullshit, and I feel so alone.
I have so many people who support me and are there for me and want to help me like I've helped them, but I feel like a burden if I ever reach out. They reassure me that everything is and will be okay, just like I do to them. And sometimes, just to make them happy, I smile. Yes, I fake it. Oh, hell I fake it so nobody has to worry about me. There are a few people I trust with anything and everything, but even then I feel like I'm taking advantage of them. So, I brace a smile.
Smiley Girl. She'll laugh and dance and sing until her world breaks into so many pieces, that she can't hold onto them all. Soon after her eyes have been wiped, and her makeup has been fixed, Smiley Girl will come back, and the cycle will start anew.
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